When working with couples, I have a set of objectives in mind.
1. To identify and disrupt repetitive processes
This means that, as I listen to your stories or observe you interact with each other, I'm looking for the ways in which you keep getting stuck in the same pattern. Once we see the pattern, we will work together on a way to disrupt it.
2. To experience positive alternatives
Once we disrupt the old, non-constructive patterns, we can work on new and better ways of being with each other.
3. To raise awareness of the good things about the relationship
Let's not lose sight of the the qualities and strengths that you already possess. Let's celebrate them.
4. To acknowledge your own flaws
None of us are perfect. Sometimes a relationship can spiral down into mutual criticism and defensiveness. We can help to defuse this by each of you admitting your flaws, both to yourself and to each other.
5. Apologies offered and accepted
It's unfortunate that often we find out about our partner's imperfections too late, when we've already been hurt by them. If this is the case in your relationship then we work toward coming to terms with the hurt that has been done. If apologies are sincerely given and fully accepted, this makes a new start possible.
6. Each of you to grow individually.
Couples counselling is different from, and no substitute for, individual counselling. Even so, there's still an opportunity for you to learn about yourselves as individuals and understand yourselves better.
7. Develop the ability to maintain contact on disagreement
No amount of couples counselling will prevent you from ever having another argument. However, there are good and bad ways to do it. Let's work on making you experts at the good ways.
8. Both partners to develop an accurate image of each other
Know who it is you're with. Accept them as they are, while helping them to bring out the best in themselves.
9. To raise awareness of the unconscious purpose of the relationship
There's a reason you chose each other:
“Romantic Love delivers us into the passionate arms of someone who will ultimately trigger the same frustrations we had with our parents, but for the best possible reason! Doing so brings our childhood wounds to the surface so they can be healed.” ― Harville Hendrix
It is not usually something we're aware of, but this is what we are doing. Working through it can be painful and even humbling, but the potential gains are priceless.
